Faith and Trust

It seems to be taking quite a while for us to get our immigration paperwork and the January 1, 2010 deadline will be here in 3 days. It does not look likely that we are going to make it. It is extremely hard to explain what God has been doing in the lives of this family. This adoption process has forced us to give everything over to Him and through that, God is transforming all of us.

I have learned how amazing it is to give absolutely everything over to Him. From the minute I wake up to the minute we go to bed. This is not an easy thing to do, and some days it doesn't happen at all. But when I give God every tiny aspect of my day I can see Him work in the smallest and most beautiful of ways.

Christmas has been especially profound this year. It has touched me deeply. When you hear the Christmas story every year for 40 years you become numb to it. But this year it has been different. It is as if God has clarified it a little for me.

When I question why things are happening the way they are, why Oslene is still in the orphanage, why it will take so long etc., I fall back on the birth of Christ. There is no other "god" out there that has done what our God has done. No "god" has shown the kind of love that our God has. Our God loved us so much that He, being fully divine, not needing anything, came to be a baby and grow up in and amongst us - humanity. He created us and then we turned our backs on Him. Refusing Him, ignoring Him, following other gods. But regardless of that, He continued to pursue us and show us His love. What other god has humbled himself so much that he came down to live among the ones he created and the ones who rejected him. And then on top of that, He came down to serve those he created. It is profound. He didn't come down to throw around guilt, rule with an iron fist or rise to the top. He came to serve others so that we could see an example of perfect love and self sacrifice.

It does not make any sense to think that Jesus was just a man. The great humanitarians of this world never claimed to be God. They were wonderful examples for us (Mother Teresa, Gandhi, Dali Lama, Martin Luther King etc.) These were people who showed us what self sacrifice looked like. They promoted peace and the service of other, but they never claimed to be God. People say that Jesus was a great man and teacher. His message was one of the service of others. But yet he claimed to be God. He said over and over that he was from the Father and that he had always been. He and the Father were one. He was God in human form. How can ANYONE say that Jesus was a great humanitarian, a great teacher and great leader if he was not what he claimed to be. It seems to come down to some fairly simple logic: either I believe that Jesus is God who came here as a baby, to grow up to be a man that was the example of perfect love. Who then was brutally killed even though he was completely innocent. All this to be the final sacrifice for all mankind. So that we could be reconnected with our God. OR ... he was completely crazy and I can't believe a word of the bible or anything he preached. Why would anyone believe that a liar and crazy man was a "good teacher", "peaceful man", "humanitarian". It makes no sense. If someone says they are God, and they are not, that discounts EVERYTHING they say.

I believe that the evidence clearly points heavenward. I take great comfort knowing that a God who loves me so much came down to be on our level. A God who loves me so much that he wants a relationship with ME personally. A God who loves the world so much, that even though there have been billions and billions of people on this earth, I can have a one to one relationship with Him. With that kind of love, I must trust that He is in control. I must trust that even if it makes no sense to me, He knows far more than I could ever know. I must trust that His timing is perfect and that He knows everything about Oslene. I must trust Him. Either I trust Him completely, or I put my bible down and walk away. I chose to put my full faith and trust in Him regardless what happens.

Where is God in all this suffering?

I have been asked this question several times. It is hard for people to believe in a God that allows such suffering in this world, especially the suffering of little children. I must admit, I have struggled with this myself, and prayed that God would help me understand.

As a teacher, I know various learning strategies and use them when needed. The most successful teaching strategies are visual but even more than that is experiential. When you can live it, you can learn it. I have realized that God teaches in both these ways. Visual, by showing us Christ and leading by example, but also experiential within our own lives. One of the best educational experiences I have had is children. It has shown me how God loves us. It is through this I have learned where God is in the suffering we see around us.

I have two little boys. I love them with all my heart and want nothing bad to come to them. But they are individuals and independent thinkers. It would be wrong and actually cruel, for me to keep them in their room all day and make every single decision for them just to "protect" them from getting hurt. It would actually be detrimental to their development. They must go out and make their own choices in life. This began when they were born and will continue until their deaths. Sometimes their choices will hurt others and sometimes other's choices will hurt them. If they chose to throw a rock on the playground and hit another child in the head, that other child is hurt. If another child chooses to make fun of them or hit them, then my child is hurt. It is my job as a parent to discipline when needed, intervene on their behalf, comfort them when they hurt, protect them from danger and guide them through the choices they have in their lives.

This is exactly what God does with us. God gives us the ability to chose. We can chose to go towards him or away. We can chose to do good or do evil. We can chose right or we can chose wrong. God has given humanity the capacity to chose for themselves. Some people choose love, others chose hate, some chose good, others chose bad. Some chose to allow God to work in their lives, others shut Him out completely. Because of this, their is suffering and because of this there is bravery and self sacrifice. There is pride and there is humility. There is joy and sorrow.

Unfortunately, because of man's evil choices, others get hurt. Just like if another child hits my son. Where is God in that. Where is God in the suffering caused by man's choice to do harm and be completely self-serving? Where is God in Haiti? Where is God in the suffering of those children?

God is in the orphanage workers saving thousands of lives through their dedicated service. God is in the missionaries who go down there to deliver food. God is in the government where changes are happening. God is in other governments that are coming along side Haiti. God is in the families who adopt a child.

You can see this in every situation, just change the perspective. Instead of seeing the death and destruction caused by others, look around and see the compassion, the love, the generosity, the comfort and the love of others. God speaks to us through the Bible, but He also speaks loudly by how He works in and through others.

Where was God in the Armenian genocide that killed my grandfather's family?

-He was in the Turkish family who adopted him and kept him out of harms way.

Where was God in the Nazi death camps?

- He was in the military forces that overcame the evil.

Where was God in 9/11?

- He was in the thousands of people who comforted each other in their loss and gave of themselves to help in any way possible.

Where is God in the suffering of the children of Haiti?
- He is in us!

Knowing God's "will".

This has always been a question that I have struggled with over the years. At times I seem to get so close to understanding but then it seems to slip away. I believe that God is using this endeavor to show me how simple it really is. God is not out there to trick you, play a game of cat and mouse or follow the bread crumbs. We humans, as usual, seem to make things much more difficult and confusing than they really are. The problem comes when we try to find answers outside of God's words. God has given us a very clear road map that is really quite easy to follow, but we so often go in the wrong direction when our eyes are looking elsewhere. When ever I have a question I must go back to Him and inevitably He shows me the answer. What is most profound, is that His teaching and guiding is so gentle and subtle that you don't really know what has happened until you look back and see from where you have come.

I think I can bullet this answer within just a couple verses in the bible:
Deut. 10:12-13
..what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear (reverence or awe) the lord your God, to walk in all His ways, to love Him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the Lord's commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good.

Romans 12:1-2
..offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Basically, when you live for God totally, you instinctively make decisions that honor Him. The closer I am to Him, the more obvious it is when a "distraction" tries to pull my attention elsewhere.

So how do you know God's will?:
You don't look for the will of God. If you are yielding yourselves to God as a full living sacrifice, God's will finds you.

Why does adoption cost so much?

I used to get very angry when faced with the cost of an adoption. The cost is similar whether it is international or domestic. The only way you can avoid it is to go with your local county social services. (This is how we got Konrad) The bottom line is that people need to be paid for their services. When I was a teacher I expected to be paid in my job. David has to support us as a family, he needs to be paid a living wage to do this. Everyone here in the states and in Haiti have families to support and they all need to make a living. What is unfortunate about the cost of adoption is that there are not many grants or scholarships out there for people like us. It would be wonderful if governments would designate money to support private adoptions whether they be domestic or international, but even then, Konrad's entire adoption was paid for by our government. So no matter how you slice it, it is an expensive process and that cost has to fall somewhere.

Once I found out why the cost is so high I being to see that there is really no way around it. The agency we are working with (Chinese Children Adoption International) is a non-profit organizations as is the orphanage in Haiti. They have been fantastic in clearly outlining the cost of each part of this adoption. Many of the other agencies I researched before did not do this and the cost was some nebulous number. I could never figure out where the money went or why. This is not the case with CCAI and I will list a general overview of the costs below.

Initial Application Fee: $150 ($200-500 less than the others I looked at)
First Agency Fee: $4,000
(This includes orientation, Home study, USCIS filing, Dossier prep. translation and administration)
Second Agency Fee: $800
(State required parent training, international communication and trip planning)
Post adoption Fee: $450
(Post adoption support)
Haiti Processing Fees: $4,375
(Psychological evaluation, lawyers fees, passport, translation, court fees, social history of child, social worker fees, etc)
Child support: $5,000 - broken into monthly payments.
(This is money that goes directly to the child for their physical/social/mental health)
Travel: $3,000 - $5,000
Extras: $3,000 - $8,000
(This can include anything from DNA testing, psychological exam, home maintenance adjustments required by the home study etc.)

We have budgeted on the high end of things and are trusting God to provide exactly what we need when we need it.

A God of Miracles

I do not think the God of the Old and New Testament is any different today than back then. Unfortunately we live in such comfort, we have no need for God's divine intervention. We are completely self sufficient and can meet our own needs. It is not until we are completely helpless and cry out to Him, that we can begin to see His amazing works. A bumper sticker slogan that has been with me for years says: Do something for God while it is still impossible.

Haiti was and is impossible for us without God's divine intervention. The money is beyond our reach, the paperwork is like a full time job, and our child is being raised by others. In other words - God has to provide the money through others and alternative means, He has to constantly open the door to the various signatures, notaries and certificates we need, and to top it off, our daughter is being raised by angels. Everything about this process has to be given up to God. We have very little control over it.

I am beginning to see that all three of our children clearly exhibit the hand of God. Yesterday, Monday, we decided to send the donation letter one day early. Why wait we thought. All four of us gathered around the computer and prayed that God provide the money we need to bring Oslene home to us. Then Saxton sat on my lap, we counted down from 5 and sent the email off into space. We then went grocery shopping and when we got home Konrad asked if the mail had come. He went out, got it and handed it over to David. While I put the groceries away I heard David gasp. I asked him what had happened, thinking we had gotten another speeding ticket in the mail. He handed me a check that had come to us that was more money then I could have ever imagined. It completley took the financial pressure off for the next two months. On the check was a little sticky note saying: Here is some of God's money for His child. It brought me to tears. I then showed Konrad, and told him that God had heard our prayer. He said, "How did God know how to answer that so fast?"

We still have a long road ahead, but now God has given me a new verse.

2 Chronicles 20:15 - You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you.

God, I Need To Know You Are Here

I sit here at my computer at 11:15 at night plagued with fear. This afternoon I printed out the 35 page Dossier requirements that I must prepare to send to Haiti. To say the task is daunting is an understatement. In the meantime I look at little Oslene's pictures hung all around our house and wonder: Where are you right now? Who comforts you when you cry? Are you eating well? Who are you?

While we are buried under a Mount Everest of paperwork, she sits waiting in an orphanage. It is almost enough to drive one out of their mind. All I have to hold on to right now is the verse that God has given me over the past few weeks. I have heard it at least 5 different times in 5 totally different settings that were completely unrelated to each other. Some may call that chance, I call it communication:

Isaiah 40:27 -31
Why do you say, (Shushawn), and complain that "My way is hidden from the Lord; my cause is disregarded by my God?" Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Modern Day Slavery

I always assumed it still existed, but had no idea as to the extent of it. It is alive on every continent, and there are more slaves in the world today than ever. Slavery is horrific, and child slavery is so dark and evil it tests the limits of my faith. I started reading about the child sex trade in Vietnam/Cambodia from a book called: The Road of Lost Innocence by Somaly Mam. This began to draw my eyes toward adopting from that country, but because of various requirement it did not look like that was going to be an option. But the adoption agency that I had researched had just opened a branch into Haiti. This seemed to fit.


When people ask me how I knew where God was directing us, I tell them that it was and is a comfortable feeling. Like a puzzle piece that fits into place. It was very much the same thing with Konrad. The minute I saw Konrad in the hospital it was as if I had always known him. Sort of like playing hide and seek. I was seeking, and once I found him I said, "Oh, there you are." Nothing earth shattering and no lighting bolt from heaven. It just fits. But I must make it clear that A LOT of prayer goes into it before it happens.

Once my eyes were turned on Haiti I began to look a little closer at what they call "The Pearl of the Caribbean." An orientation opened my eyes to the unbelievable poverty and desperation of so many who live there. Parents line up outside of orphanages to hand there children off to someone who can feed them. They eat these little things called dirt biscuits which is a combination of a tiny little bit of flower, oil and dirt. People say there is no way to describe what you see when you are there. It will change you forever.

Where there is poverty like that, there is slavery. And when parents are desperate to feed their families they will hand over their children to unknown people who promise to care for them and send them to school. The promises are rarely fulfilled, and the children then become slaves and "partners". I am currently reading a book from Benjamin Skinner called A Crime So Monstrous. It is extremely hard to read, but very revealing.

But through all that darkness God still shines. I find it interesting that all four of us (myself, David, Konrad and Saxton) are all studying Exodus. This was not planned in any way. The boys are studying it in their Sunday school classes, David chose it on his own at the beginning of the summer and I joined a bible study at the last minute in another church. The cover of my bible study work book reads: Then, the Lord told him, "I have certainly seen the oppression of my people in Egypt. I have heard their cries of distress because of their harsh slave drivers. Yes, I am aware of their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the power of the Egyptians and lead them out of Egypt into their own fertile and spacious land. It is a land flowing with milk and honey."

What does God ask of us and how do we know?

This blog is designed to be an honest and heart felt journal of our journey to adopt from Haiti. It will be written from the heart. I will openly express my thoughts and fears without concern for political correctness, and I will not tip toe around the primary reason this whole thing began. God brought us here.

The journey began back in mid March of 2009 and I have my thoughts at the time written down on several legal pads strewn throughout the house. But this blog is designed to document my feelings, emotions and thoughts from this point on. I could spend a great deal of time writing down the past 6 months and everything that lead up to the decision to adopt from Haiti, but at least right now, it is not relevant for this purpose. It will come out in pieces as time goes by.

Our decision was not taken lightly, and many many hours of prayer and meditation have gone into moving forward. Why Haiti people ask. I barely even knew Haiti existed a year ago, much less what is going on there. We knew we wanted a girl, we knew that adoption was likely so I started checking into our options. The only way I can describe it is similar to what happens when you are in a conversation with someone and they glance over your shoulder. You follow their gaze with your own eyes. That is what the Holy Spirit did with me. I was gently shown the tiny country right off our shores, and the pure desperation and suffering of their children.

The only problem was that it was an INSANE thing to do. I created a list of 11 reasons why we should NOT adopt from Haiti.

*A child from a different race

*A country that seemed to be on the brink of collapse

*Absolutely NO money to do this and a cost of $28,000

*We would get an older baby - impossible to get a new born

*Malnutrition

*Up to a two year wait for a child

*The potential hardship on our sons

*The enormous amount of paperwork

*Impact on the extended family

*The aids epidemic

*A country that has its roots in vodou and black magic.

Why on earth would God take me there? (When I say me, I mean Shushawn - God started this process with me and I took it to David) So I began to pray and listen for God's voice through scripture. I read an awesome book called Hearing God. It helped a great deal. It is scary to feel this kind of direction and I was terrified I had self manufactured it. I decided to bury it, and pray that if it was self manufactured it would go away. I checked my motives daily. Trying to determine if it was my own selfish desire that wanted this. You can get a lot of "kudos" by taking in a "poor" child. People like that sort of thing. People do humanitarian work every day for purely selfish reasons. If this was the case I wanted nothing to do with it. God works in us to bring glory and honor to HIM not us. We are the vessels that he uses to reveal Himself to the world.

But no matter what, I could not bury it. The more I tried to bury it the more it seemed to want to come to the surface. Finally, I was so desperate to pray about it I decided to pray and just see how the Holy Spirit lead me. It was so powerful it scared me. Instead of praying for a child, I prayed for the child's mother. For the mother to be comforted, to be given the proper nutrition she needed. I felt a desperation there. A struggle for life. A love for this child that she could not fulfill for some reason. I cried and cried. I thought "there is something wrong with this mother." I prayed for her to feel the love and peace of God. And that is when I began to RUN.

There was nothing else I could do. I had not run for 20 years. But within a very short time I was running up to 7 miles. I ran and ran, and while I did I prayed that God would show this mother that someone was coming. Her child would be okay. Someone was coming.

I have no idea what this means, and I don't know if I will ever find out. But every time I try to turn away, Haiti is there. Every time I cry to God, saying "How do I know God? How do I know if you are in this?" He shows me what His love is and how Christ showed His love when He walked the earth. He shows me that He is the God of miracles. He is the everlasting God, maker of Heaven and Earth.

"But God, I'm scared..." "But God, we don't have the money..." "But God, what if it doesn't work..." "But God, what if people think we're crazy.." "But God, what if our families don't accept her....", and the list goes on and on.

The bottom line is that we don't have the money. David and I are going to put down $2,000. But once that is done the clock starts ticking, and we have no plan B. If the money isn't there then the file is closed. Why is it that I have so much trouble believing that God can provide that money when God has provided EVERYTHING else thus far.

70-80% of all Americans think about adoption at one time or another, but only 3 - 4% actually do it. The primary reason is the money. We will put our measly little $2,000 in and see where God takes it. It is completely out of our hands.