The journey began back in mid March of 2009 and I have my thoughts at the time written down on several legal pads strewn throughout the house. But this blog is designed to document my feelings, emotions and thoughts from this point on. I could spend a great deal of time writing down the past 6 months and everything that lead up to the decision to adopt from Haiti, but at least right now, it is not relevant for this purpose. It will come out in pieces as time goes by.
Our decision was not taken lightly, and many many hours of prayer and meditation have gone into moving forward. Why Haiti people ask. I barely even knew Haiti existed a year ago, much less what is going on there. We knew we wanted a girl, we knew that adoption was likely so I started checking into our options. The only way I can describe it is similar to what happens when you are in a conversation with someone and they glance over your shoulder. You follow their gaze with your own eyes. That is what the Holy Spirit did with me. I was gently shown the tiny country right off our shores, and the pure desperation and suffering of their children.
The only problem was that it was an INSANE thing to do. I created a list of 11 reasons why we should NOT adopt from Haiti.
*A child from a different race
*A country that seemed to be on the brink of collapse
*Absolutely NO money to do this and a cost of $28,000
*We would get an older baby - impossible to get a new born
*Malnutrition
*Up to a two year wait for a child
*The potential hardship on our sons
*The enormous amount of paperwork
*Impact on the extended family
*The aids epidemic
*A country that has its roots in vodou and black magic.
Why on earth would God take me there? (When I say me, I mean Shushawn - God started this process with me and I took it to David) So I began to pray and listen for God's voice through scripture. I read an awesome book called Hearing God. It helped a great deal. It is scary to feel this kind of direction and I was terrified I had self manufactured it. I decided to bury it, and pray that if it was self manufactured it would go away. I checked my motives daily. Trying to determine if it was my own selfish desire that wanted this. You can get a lot of "kudos" by taking in a "poor" child. People like that sort of thing. People do humanitarian work every day for purely selfish reasons. If this was the case I wanted nothing to do with it. God works in us to bring glory and honor to HIM not us. We are the vessels that he uses to reveal Himself to the world.
But no matter what, I could not bury it. The more I tried to bury it the more it seemed to want to come to the surface. Finally, I was so desperate to pray about it I decided to pray and just see how the Holy Spirit lead me. It was so powerful it scared me. Instead of praying for a child, I prayed for the child's mother. For the mother to be comforted, to be given the proper nutrition she needed. I felt a desperation there. A struggle for life. A love for this child that she could not fulfill for some reason. I cried and cried. I thought "there is something wrong with this mother." I prayed for her to feel the love and peace of God. And that is when I began to RUN.
There was nothing else I could do. I had not run for 20 years. But within a very short time I was running up to 7 miles. I ran and ran, and while I did I prayed that God would show this mother that someone was coming. Her child would be okay. Someone was coming.
I have no idea what this means, and I don't know if I will ever find out. But every time I try to turn away, Haiti is there. Every time I cry to God, saying "How do I know God? How do I know if you are in this?" He shows me what His love is and how Christ showed His love when He walked the earth. He shows me that He is the God of miracles. He is the everlasting God, maker of Heaven and Earth.
"But God, I'm scared..." "But God, we don't have the money..." "But God, what if it doesn't work..." "But God, what if people think we're crazy.." "But God, what if our families don't accept her....", and the list goes on and on.
The bottom line is that we don't have the money. David and I are going to put down $2,000. But once that is done the clock starts ticking, and we have no plan B. If the money isn't there then the file is closed. Why is it that I have so much trouble believing that God can provide that money when God has provided EVERYTHING else thus far.
70-80% of all Americans think about adoption at one time or another, but only 3 - 4% actually do it. The primary reason is the money. We will put our measly little $2,000 in and see where God takes it. It is completely out of our hands.
Wow - this is awesome, Shushawn! And where are you finding time to do all this brilliant introspective writing?!
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